When I was but a boy of fifteen I was spending the summer with my brother while he was living in Washington D.C. We had driven to The university of North Carolina to visit some of his lambda chi brothers there. We arrived on Friday and went out with them every night that weekend and had some pretty good times. Eventually Sunday rolled around and it was time to go back to D.C. \
4:15: my brother wakes me up from the couch in the frat house I was asleep on and told me that I had to drive back to D.C. because he was more tired than me, this makes me laugh because for the past 72 hours I have probably been asleep for probably 3 of them never approaching anything near the REM cycle and eaten one Chick-Fil-A value meal but then I remember that I am Stephen Downer so I am not afraid.
4:30: I have often stated that I could drive an interstate in my sleep so I decide to test this theory, the rumble strips save my life for what I can only assume is the first of many times it appears I can not drive in my sleep.
5:30: I begin thinking that this was a bad idea, my right eye will not stop burning and a strange buzzing sound has been annoying me for the last hour I wonder if it is real or imagined.
5:50: 20 minutes later I notice the seat belt is on I couple that with the buzzing and conclude that I am not wearing my seatbelt I put it on and the buzzing stops. Inspired by this display of casual reasoning that took 1 hour and 20 min to occur, I up the cruise control to 10 over the speed limit.
6:20: I realize I have been staring into space muttering “paul wall got a mouf like a Chrystal ball” for the past 20 minutes I begin to wonder if I am going insane.
6:45 I look up and realize I have somehow exited the highway, this was not my intention. I am going 70 mph and am about 20 feet from an intersection and a stop sign. Thankfully there is no traffic and I have had tactical driving training. With the aid of that training ,the median, ten yards of gravel and an open field I manage to stop the vehicle. I realize that the adrenaline will keep me up for at least 45 minutes so I press on.
7:00: I wake up my brother who has slept through all of this and ask him If we can stop and get a hotel. He informs that if we have the rental car back by 3 we get a $22.33 my brother informs me that he would stand on his dick for 8 hours for $22.33 so we press on.
9:00: The adrenaline wears off so I stop and purchase 3 mountain dew code reds and chug them since I never drink caffeine I hope that this will help
10:00a.m: the sunlight reflecting off the windshield creates a vision of the virgin Mary of Guadalupe, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My body dumps all three mountain dew into my bladder and it swells so large it tries to force my prostate out of my body I now have a new definition for the word pain.
10:25a.m: I stop and use the bathroom and accidently see myself in the mirror picture an extra from Schindler’s list and you’ll have it.
10:30a.m: I sneeze and my left Eustachian tube blows out for the next twenty minutes I feel like I am leaning to my left, I wonder if the things they use to keep the guys eyes open in “A Clockwork Orange” are 1.commercially available and 2.sold at gas stations.
11:00: I stop for Chick-Fil-A but I forget to say no pickles but I am to defeated to change the order so I eat it anyway. Pickles usually make me violently ill but I am ok this time so I decide sleep deprivation has given me super powers I decide to slap myself to test this. As it turns out it is quite painful and I don’t have super powers.
12:00 I reach the body of water signaling the virgina border I consider driving the car into Lake Gaston to celebrate.
2:00 I realize that I might survive this, I start screaming “IM GOING TO MAKE IT” and hold the horn till it goes out. As soon as I hit D.C. traffic I start to cry,I am an emotional and physical wreck. My body has begun portholing in a desperate attempt to save itself, my brain realizes my left leg isn’t needed so it goes numb below the knee.
2:50: I exit the highway in what I can only describe as a haphazard fashion and almost cause 3 accidents, I never seen more angry people and I have never laughed harder
3:02: we check in we are to exhausted to argue for our $22.33. the attendant opens the car and starts dry heaving he tells me we smell like we spent the day rubbing curry on our bodys and shitting our pants, I give him the thumbs up and move on. We arrive at my brothers apartment at 4:15 and I slip into a coma.
7:15 a.m: I wake up the next day it appears I have been sucking my thumb and crying in my sleep
